Blue Portrait

Blue Portrait, 6/28/2010

I drew this simple portrait exactly one week after Halia's stillbirth. 

At first, I thought it was a portrait of stillness. 

And then, I began to see her calm, gentle presence in it too.  I can look at this portrait and remember her motion, her gentle kicks, the way she sloshed around during her ultrasounds and her thumping within. Over time, this portrait comes to life for me.

She is hard to see in this portrait and that is fitting too. She wasn't seen so much as felt and sensed. 

Later, I drew her in red a lot, mainly because I was remembering the blood, but there a week after her birth, I drew her in blue.  And the blue suits her. Cool tones like blues and lavenders and pale greens. Those are Halia's colors to me.

Day 1 of 31 ~ 27 Tishrei 5774 

31 Days of Curating: In Loving Memory

In October, I am joining the Nester's 31 Days, an invitation to write on one topic for 31 days. Last year, I participated from the sidelines, writing each day about my morning blessings practice (I may yet make those posts public). This year I am taking the leap of joining in properly. Go here to see all the other bloggers participating.

When I considered what topic I might choose this year, I immediately thought of my desire to "curate" the collection of art that I made during my pregnancy with Halia Hope and in the aftermath of her stillbirth. She was due in October 2010 so it seems fitting to devote an October practice to her. I am hoping that by taking this time to explore what I created then, I can share some of my journey of grief and hope. 

I will be updating this post with links to each of the posts in the series, as they are completed (see below).

26 Tishrei 5774

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Day 1: Blue Portrait

Day 2: Two Watercolors

Day 3: Holding 

Day 4: Today 

Day 5: Five Generations 

Day 6: Mesmerizing Water 

Day 7: Resting Places 

Day 8: Emergence and Return 

Day 9: Eagle 

Day 10: Soothing Piano

Day 11: Early May Blessings 

Day 12: Passover and Floods

Day 13: Moving Memories 

Day 14: Sesame Seeds 

Day 15: Haida 

Day 16: Space in the Middle 

Day 17: Spotting 

Day 18: Shattering 

Day 19: Trust 

Day 20: Premonition 

Day 21: Getting Real

Day 22: Together 

Day 23: Summer Solstice 

Day 24: Halia Hope 

Day 25:  Burial

Day 26:  Suchness in the Vastness

Day 27: Daring to Survive

Day 28: Mikvah 

Day 29:  Space

Day 30:  Kol Nidre

Day 31: Due Date 

Fall Afternoon

The boys and I met up with some friends today to soak up a perfect fall afternoon. The sun was warm, the sky clear, and the light golden. 

The views of the river were grand, but for the three small boys, the highlight was this unexpected visit from a truck with a crane! 

25 Tishrei 5774 

Change of Season

The holiday season has come to a close. We made music and danced with the Torah last night to celebrate Simchat Torah, and tonight we were back to eating at our dining room table, instead of in the sukkah. In some ways, I celebrated more thoroughly than I ever have before...a full observance of Elul, followed by two days of Rosh Hashanah, a deep Yom Kippur, and then for the first time, a real observance of Sukkot, ending with the always-uplifting Simchat Torah. 

As much as I loved all the celebrations and observances, I am ready to settle into more of a routine. Sunday was the first day of autumn, but for me it feels like tomorrow will be the first day of the new season.  Yesterday morning we ate our last peach and James reported that he couldn't find any peaches (my favorite) for sale at the farmer's market.  My toddler is busy collecting leaves in our front yard, treasuring each one, and I just completed my last regular-scheduled week at work (I don't go to my job on Fridays). Starting next week, I will have reduced hours and by December, I'll be on my full sabbatical schedule -- just going to work one day a week.

The last bite of this year's peaches.

As with any change, I am excited, nervous, and a little wistful. How could it be that my little one is already two years old, no longer a baby? What does it mean to let go of many of my responsibilities at my job? My work-life balance was good last year. Will I be able to come to a new balance with the sabbatical? Are my expectations too high for this sabbatical? Am I brave enough to explore some of what I have planned to delve into? And to share it?

Just a few of the questions swirling around for me this evening. What does the change of season bring up for you? 

Views

Wednesday mornings are the time I set aside for myself -- for appointments, for walks in the woods, for meditation, and sometimes for extra sleep. Today was a picture perfect fall day, a day when the woods call out to me. Instead, I had to spend a while at the mechanic (broken seat belt) and at the doctor's office (physical).

Between appointments I fit in a brief walk and caught what at first seemed to be just a tiny glimpse of the bay. The overgrowth on the side of the path was impressive, sometimes almost completely blocking the view. I found myself drawn to the clutter and tangle. It presented me with a choice of how I wanted to view my surroundings:

Many days my life feels like the messy tangle, and the critical voices can be loud, yet I am also learning to find the glimpses of the water and sky, the bits of beauty, and breathe into them, letting that little bit of spaciousness be enough. Of course, I never argue with a view like this either!

21 Tishrei 5774