Getting Real

The third week of bleeding set in, with no improvement. I did not feel better, the bleeding didn't slow, nothing. I saw my OB again. She leveled with me: now that problems with my cervix had been ruled out, the only possible causes for all this bleeding were bad news for the pregnancy. In her experience, cases like mine end with loss. If I made it to 24 weeks, I would need to be hospitalized for the remainder of the pregnancy. 

All I could do with this news was wait. Carry on and make through one day at a time. 24 weeks was still a month away, which seemed like an eternity. I knew that viability at 24 weeks was pretty iffy, so I really wanted to make it at least to 28 weeks. But for right now, I was in the 20th week, the baby was kicking regularly to reassure me, and I focused on the end of the school year, on a visit from out-of-town friends, and on resting as much as possible. 

Toilet, 8.13.10

The nights were the worst. I would wake up and need to use the bathroom. Blood would pour out of me into the toilet, where I sat helpless. I would return to bed, too upset to sleep. I would pray when I could get calm enough, and once and a while it was as if the room filled with tiny angels, a palpable presence of many soft-winged beings, all there simply to be with me.

Day 21 of 31, 18 Cheshvan 5774 

Premonition

During the second week of bleeding, I was eventually diagnosed with a bacterial infection, and a course of antibiotics were prescribed as treatment. I was also told that they had ruled out cancer. I thought all of this was quite good news: a clear diagnosis and treatment plan, a much worse diagnosis ruled out. I figured that as soon as the antibiotics worked their magic, I'd start feeling better and the bleeding would stop. Things were looking up. 

Still, the antibiotics made me nauseous and I was worn down by all the bleeding. By the time the weekend rolled around, I was in need of rest. As a bonus, a dear cousin came to visit, and we spent a lovely day at my parents' farm. In the late afternoon, we went to the barn/yoga studio to make some art. I was ready to pour out the emotions of the last few weeks. I figured I would do a lot of angry scribbling in red, but what came out was a lot gentler than what I expected.

Premonition, 6.5.10

It started with some rather subdued red scribbles, softened by water, and then found its way into even more gentle swirls, a fair distance from the anxiety of the bleeding. These calmer lines held the hint of the baby safely within the sac, secure in the womb. As I traveled down the page, I was able to take a deep breath again, and feel a deep sense of calm. Everyone kept telling me, the baby is fine, the baby is healthy, and I too could feel her well being. 

This drawing would also turn out to be a sort of premonition, but more about that later... 

Please excuse the quality of the scan of the drawing. The paper got creased, did not fit on the scanner, and provided other challenges. I think that I can probably address all the problems in photoshop, but that would take far more patience than I have today! 

 Day 20 of 31, 17 Cheshvan 5774

Trust

We hoped that the bleeding would clear up, that it was an episode that we could put behind us, but it didn't. Instead, I continued to bleed, sometimes just spotting but more often a real flow, especially at night. I had many appointments with no definite answers for anything. The midwives turned over my case to the ob/gyns, and they all puzzled over case. Unbeknownst to me, they were concerned that it was cancer.

 Untitled, 11.26.10

All the bleeding was heartbreaking, exhausting, and terrifying.   I reached the end of a week of bleeding, and found myself totally drained. I lay on the couch in my living room, filled with anxiety, unease, discomfort, and dread. Relaxation seemed out of the question. And then, as if by magic, a wave of peace entered, and the word TRUST  suffused the room. It washed over me. I relaxed and released. Nothing to do, nothing to control, just trust. All is well, all will be well.

Monument Rock, Caratunk Audubon Refuge.

And from then on, as heartbreaking, terrifying, and difficult as it continued to be, I was able to return to that feeling of trust. It carried me through the pain, the fear, the anger, the uncertainty, and ultimately the loss, and the grief. It still carries me. Even in my bitterest moments, I can feel that trust. I do not understand it, but I know that at some level, beyond my comprehension, all is well.

Day 19 of 31, 16 Cheshvan 5774 

Shattering

 Shattered, 8.17.10

On Thursday, May 20, at exactly 17 weeks, I went to work as usual. Mid-morning I passed a big blood clot, an alarming mass that filled me with dread. I called James in a bit of a panic and then called one of the midwives (there were five in the practice). She calmly told me not to worry, and so I tried to go on with my day as if nothing had happened. 

Suddenly, around 2pm, the floodgates opened, and I started bleeding pretty heavily. I was alone in my office, I had no other clothing, no sanitary napkins, nothing. Nevertheless, I was calm. I called James, and I called the midwife. She told me to go to the Emergency Room. James was at work in Boston so I called my friend Laura and asked her to meet me at the ER. I lay on the floor in the office as I made these calls, trying somehow to stem the bleeding.

In my memory at this point, it was almost as if my body separated and I no longer had any awareness of anything below my ribs. I was afraid to know what was going on in my womb. All my attention was in my upper chest. An almost icy calm had taken over. I felt removed, scarcely breathing, yet hyper aware.

I didn't hesitate about driving myself to the ER, which was close by, and on the drive I began to breathe again. I remember sitting at a stoplight on the way there, feeling Halia kick. Her kicks were just beginning to be identifiable, and I wasn't always sure what I was feeling, but these kicks right against the seatbelt were as clear as could be. She was doing her best to reassure me and to help me find my body again.

By the time I got to the hospital the bleeding had slowed, and Laura and I spent a while waiting. A resident came into our room with a portable ultrasound, and, as I already knew from the kicks, Halia was alive and well inside. The placenta also looked good. Once again, they didn't see any cause for the bleeding other than my "friable" cervix so I was told to go home, take it easy, see the midwife again soon to check in, and not to worry too much. 

Bottom line: the baby is healthy and that's what matters. That's what they told me loud and clear, that's what I told everyone else, that's what I told myself over and over again. That's what I wanted to believe. That's what I wanted to will to be true.

But the truth was, everything changed for me that day.  I hoped with all my heart that we would make it through, but I also knew that disaster had struck. Any sense of safety had shattered.

Day 18 of 31, 15 Cheshvan 5774 

Spotting

 Spotting, 11.26.10

It started small and routine. In fact, it started at the very beginning. I almost always spot before I get my period, and it was no different in February 2010. I figured I wasn't pregnant because I spotted right on schedule, but my period didn't arrive and after about a week, I went ahead and took a pregnancy test.  

I was pregnant but I continued to spot periodically. I shrugged it off. I had spotted early in my first pregnancy too. This was normal for me. I dutifully reported all this to my midwife and she too was wholly unconcerned. 

Then around Week 16, the spotting got a little heavier and I just wasn't feeling right. My mother asked me how I was, and I remember responding, "I am alright, but I wish I was better." I just felt off. So we went in to see the midwife. And once again, she wasn't in the least bit worried. My cervix was easily irritated, that's all. She told me about all sorts of pregnancies with light bleeding throughout and encouraged me to buy dark underwear! She also sent us for a quick ultrasound, and we were delighted to have the extra opportunity to see the Eagle. The technician assured us that all was well, the placenta looked good, the baby was growing well, everything was in order. We went home happy, and yet underneath a nagging feeling of unease remained.

A worrisome deep red had entered the pallete of this pregnancy, mixing dangerously with the blues, greens, and lavenders. 

Day 17 of 31, 14 Cheshvan 5774